


Lost in Translation

by CommaSplice



Series: Westerosi Internet [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-06-24
Packaged: 2017-12-16 01:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/pseuds/CommaSplice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you haven't seen my other entry, this is my take on some sort of whacked out universe where everything is pretty much the same except they have 21st century communications. </p><p>Tywin Lannister continues to struggle with chatspeak and technology in general.</p><p>Some spoilers for the books.</p><p>Usual disclaimers. Not my characters. I'm just playing with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost in Translation

**Author's Note:**

> A few of the urls are obviously fictional. Some of the others actually work and I recommend checking them out. I have a couple of lines in here that are from the show's dialogue. Originally posted on Tumblr. Comments are always appreciated.

To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Queen Regent Cersei Lannister Baratheon (QueenRegent@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Why you should pay attention to me

Dear Father,

Per our recent conversation about the Tyrells, here is a URL of a video clip that you will find illuminating. Perhaps now you will understand that I am the child you should care most for.

http://littlefingerzhighclassgirlsgirlsnboyz.com/knightofflowerstellsall

Oh, btw: NSFW

Love, Cersei

* * *

To: Queen Regent Cersei Lannister Baratheon (LannistersKeepItIntheFamily@RedKeep.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Fwd: Re: Why you should pay attention to me

Daughter,

I would have appreciated a warning about the content of that disgusting video. However, I grudgingly admit you may have a point about the Tyrells. We’ll have to marry the Stark girl off sooner than we planned. Since you have finally made a useful contribution, you may be present when I tell Tyrion about the upcoming nuptials.

Please refrain from using your official Westerosi email account. That should only be used for your official duties, such as ordering crowns for the High Septon or planning the royal wedding. It’s not as if you have actual power.

Incidentally, I trust I will never find anything like that filth with you and any family member on the Internet.

Father

Lord Tywin Lannister  
Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock

* * *

DaddyzGurl: Tyrion?  
DeadPanSnarker: So now you’re actually talking to me?  
DaddyzGurl: Um, do u know how to delete videos off the net?  
DeadPanSnarker: just a sec  
DaddyzGurl: k  
DeadPanSnarker: Seven Hells! RU Nuts? Why would u post these?  
DaddyzGurl: Jaime thought it was funny  
DeadPanSnarker: Oh it’s funny alright. U better hope Dad doesn’t see this. Or Stannis. If he spams everyone again & includes these video URLs…oh man  
DaddyzGurl: so how would I get these off the web?  
DeadPanSnarker: LMAO, too late. Looks like the one has gone viral.  
DaddyzGurl: u r no help  
DeadPanSnarker: wow, u r pretty limber  
DaddyzGurl: FU. I’ll ask Grand Maester Pycelle  
DeadPanSnarker: yh good luck w/that  
DaddyzGurl: Oh, btw, Dad wants 2 meet w/u tomorrow  
DeadPanSnarker: about?  
DaddyzGurl: wedding stuff  
DeadPanSnarker: kk, I’ll be there

* * *  
To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lady Olenna Tyrell (QueenofThorns@Highgarden.com)  
Subject: Our recent conversation

Dear Lord Tywin,

I thought these links might be of interest to you:  
<http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/understanding-menopause-symptoms>  
<http://electricpulp.com/guykawasaki/arse/>

The latter seems particularly appropriate to you.

Sincerely,

Lady Olenna Tyrell

* * *

IWant2BeTHEQueen: I am so bummed. We’re still BFFs 4EVR tho  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: How is Loras?  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: OMG  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: is he upset?  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: um u could say that  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: omg. I didn’t think he was that into me  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: He has to marry Cersei  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: 8-o  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: Yh, IKR?! Hey, Grandma wants 2 know if u said anything 2 anyone about this?  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: NO! I totally did not. Not even to Lord Baelish. He likes ur hair btw  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: um… ok?  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: he is so nice. I think it’s cuz of my mom  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: gurl. http://howtospotaperv.com  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: Why r u sending this 2 me?  
IWant2BeTHEQueen: …. g2g. Grandma needs me  
(IWant2BeTHEQueen has signed off)

* * *

To: Lady Olenna Tyrell (QueenofThorns@Highgarden.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Re: Our recent conversation

Dear Lady Olenna:

Your sense of humor is not appreciated.

T.L.

* * *

QueenOfThorns33: Scored 24 out of 24?  
MemeticBadass:19 out of 24, if you must know  
QueenOfThorns33: ;-D  
MemeticBadass: Don’t tell me you use this idiotic shorthand too?  
QueenOfThorns33: Some of it. My grandchildren keep me up-to-date with the latest lingo. I must admit, I find it difficult to abandon punctuation and grammar.  
MemeticBadass: I would appreciate it if you did not use this “lingo” with me. There is much too much informality in communication.  
QueenOfThorns33: This comes from a man calling himself “MemeticBadass?”  
MemeticBadass: My last cupbearer set up the account for me.  
QueenOfThorns33: You don’t know what it means?  
MemeticBadass: No. I was told it was appropriate. Why?  
QueenOfThorns33: <http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MemeticBadass>  
MemeticBadass…  
QueenOfThorns33: Your cupbearer knew what he was doing  
MemeticBadass: She. I should have taken her back to King’s Landing. All the rest have been utter idiots.  
QueenOfThorns33: Can we possibly revisit the issue of Cersei marrying Loras? Did you even read the article I sent you? The first one?  
MemeticBadass: I find it supremely ironic that you are calling yourself 33 and telling me that my daughter is too old.  
QueenOfThorns33: That just means there are 32 other people using the screen name “Queen of Thorns.”  
MemeticBadass: Oh.  
QueenOfThorns33: About Loras, surely we can come to another arrangement?  
MemeticBadass: No.  
(QueenOfThorns33 has left the conversation)

* * *

MemeticBadass: Kevan, how would I find the correct email address for someone?  
StalwartYoungerBro: Tyrion is very good at that sort of thing.  
MemeticBadass: Tyrion?  
StalwartYoungerBro: Yes, Tyrion.  
MemeticBadass: My son? Tyrion? The short one?  
StalwartYoungerBro: Sigh. Yes, Tyrion.  
(MemeticBadAss has signed off)  
StalwartYoungerBro: Nice to chat with you too, Tywin.

* * *

To: Tyrion Lannister (MasterofCoin@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kinglsanding.gov)  
Subject: Fwd: See attached (Was: Delivery Status Notification)

Tyrion,

I am told by your uncle that you will be able to assist me in locating the correct address. I am highly doubtful, but see below and advise.

Lord Tywin Lannister

Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock  
_____________________________________________________________________  
Delivery Status Notification (Failure)  
Mail Delivery System  
The following addresses had permanent fatal errors  
(PluckyActionGurl@OnTheRoad.com)  
Mailbox unavailable

To: “Girl” (PluckyActionGurl@OnTheRoad.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Offer of Employment

Girl,

You will forgive the informality of the salutation. I don’t believe I ever bothered to inquire what your given name was.

I trust you managed to maintain control of Ser Gregor Clegane until Harrenhal fell and were unharmed in the subsequent slaughter. 

I am extending to you an offer of employment as my cup bearer here at King’s Landing. This will include your previous duties as well as occasionally assisting me with translating informal communications. I believe you will find the proposed remuneration satisfactory. Fringe benefits include not being in the middle of a war zone; working and sleeping in a building with complete walls and a functioning roof; and not having to witness daily torture and executions.

Please let me know of your decision at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Lord Tywin Lannister 

Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock

* * *

DeadPanSnarker: All u have to go on is “Girl?” Seriously?  
MemeticBadass: She responded to it.  
DeadPanSnarker: Well, that’s gr8t, but not very helpful. She never gave u a name? U never asked 4 1?  
MemeticBadass: Lannisters don’t worry themselves with petty details.  
DeadPanSnarker: Do u know anything else about her?  
MemeticBadass: She was approximately 12, dark brown hair, grey eyes, small for her age.  
DeadPanSnarker: um that’s not what I  
MemeticBadass: most likely well born, literate, interested in sword play and dragons, father was killed for loyalty, a Northerner  
DeadPanSnarker: email doesn’t work like that, Father.  
MemeticBadass: I should have known you wouldn’t be able to help me. I suppose if I asked you to locate a whore you would have no trouble. You are useless. I gave you real power and authority and you managed to lose the younger Stark girl and  
DeadPanSnarker: Whoa, that was Cersei, not me. I came back and she had let her escape. Hey, wait a sec.  
MemeticBadass: No, I will not “wait a sec.” The two of you sicken me the way you pass blame back and forth as if you were still children.  
DeadPanSnarker OMFG. LOL. OMG I’m dying. OMG. LMAO!  
MemeticBadass: EXPLAIN YOURSELF  
DeadPanSnarker: ROFL LOL k, hang on.  
(Florian&Jonquil4EVR has entered the conversation)  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: hi my lord. TY for the invite.  
DeadPanSnarker: Hey Sansa! Can u send me a photo of ur sis?  
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: um sure. Sec. I don’t have a lot w/her. Oooh wait. Here u go: <http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/24500000/Stark-family-house-stark-24508418-1280-720.jpg> I totally hate my hair in this but I could find another. Oh, hi MemeticBadass, I don’t think I know u. NTMU!  
(MemeticBadass has kicked Florian&Jonquil4EVR from the room)  
DeadPanSnarker: oh that’s just gr8t. She already hates my guts. Like this will help.  
MemeticBadass: Do you mean to say that the entire time I was at Harrenhal I was being served by Arya Stark?  
DeadPanSnarker: Looks like.  
MemeticBadass: Seven hells.

* * *

To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lady Olenna Tyrell (QueenofThorns@Highgarden.com)  
Subject: Our impending family connection

Dear Lord Tywin,

I came across this video and thought you might find it of interest.  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0s5Kn9QXtU>

This may be useful for you in learning to appreciate the former:  
<http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Sense-of-Humor>

Regards,

Olenna

* * *

To: Lady Olenna Tyrell (QueenofThorns@Highgarden.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Re: Subject: Our impending family connection

Dear Olenna,

You never give up, do you?

Regards,

Tywin

* * *

QueenOfThorns33: No, I don’t, and you like that about me  
MemeticBadass: I will confess I find your persistence…admirable.  
QueenOfThorns33: Admirable enough to change your mind?  
MemeticBadass: I wonder if you’ve told your grandson of his other option. Perhaps he’d prefer that.  
QueenOfThorns33: I’ve been too busy following your hashtag on Twitter  
MemeticBadass: My what?  
QueenOfThrons33: #tywinlannisterisnotinfallible Right under your nose, all that time  
(MemeticBadass has signed off)

* * *

To: Tyrion Lannister (MasterofCoin@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Your juvenile sense of humour

Tyrion,

If you do not cease and desist with this Twitter business and any all attempts to ridicule me, I will be forced to teach you a sharp lesson.

Lord Tywin Lannister

Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock

* * *  
To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Tyrion Lannister (MasterofCoin@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Lighten up already (was: Your juvenile sense of humour)

Father,

I have deleted the posts. I don’t know why you’re worried about a couple of Tweets; I’ve only got 25 followers and they already all hate you anyhow.

Since you’re so concerned with the family honor, you might want to check your Casterly Rock account. Stannis has been busy.

Tyrion

* * *

To: Lords of Westeros (WesterosLords-L@LISTSERV.Westeros.org)  
From: King Stannis Baratheon (OneTrueKing@Dragonstone.gov)  
Subject: Fwd: Foul incest

Loyal Lords. Traitors, and Usurpers,

Below please find proof of my allegations against the adulterous Cersei Lannister and her brother Ser Jaime Lannister, Kingslayer.

http://lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com/jaimencersei69  
http://lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com/inrobertsbed2  
http://lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com/incestisbestputyoursister2thetest

NSFW

King Stannis Baratheon  
One True King of Westeros  
_______________________________________________________________  
I declare upon the honour of my House that my brother Robert left no true-born heirs, the boy Joffrey, the boy Tommen, and the girl Myrcella being born of incest between Cersei Lannister and her brother Ser Jaime Lannister, Kingslayer. By right of birth and blood I do this day lay claim to the Iron Throne of Westeros. Let all true men declare their loyalty.

* * *

To: (LISTSERV@LISTSERV.Westeros.org)  
From: (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject:

SUBSCRIBE WesterosLords-L 

* * * 

MemeticBadass: What does “NSFW” mean?  
QueenOfThorns33: Not Safe for Work <http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nsfw>  
MemeticBadass: Oh.  
QueenOfThorns33: This begs the question  
MemeticBadass: What?  
QueenOfThorns33: Who in all of Westeros would dare send the mighty Tywin Lannister THAT kind of material?  
MemeticBadass: Idiots and fools would. We should have never abandoned ravens as a means of communication.  
QueenOfThorns33: Don’t look at me. I’ve been saying for years that women ought to be in charge. Such stupidity would never happen on my watch.  
MemeticBadass: Do you “follow” my son on Twitter?  
QueenOfThorns33: No, I refuse to have anything to do with a service that requires me to “tweet.”  
MemeticBadass: Then how did you come across that, what did you call it? A hashtag?  
QueenOfThorns33: Someone sent it to me.  
MemeticBadass: Good.  
QueenOfThorns33: Good? I would have thought you’d be furious.  
MemeticBadass: I mean, I am pleased that you are not encouraging my foolish son by “following” him.  
QueenOfThorns33: NP. Since we’re communicating so well, I don’t suppose we could reopen the discussion about Loras and Cersei.  
(MemeticBadass has signed off)

* * *

To: All of Westeros (WesterosContinent-L@LISTSERV.Westeros.org)  
CC: Lady Olenna Tyrell (QueenofThorns@Highgarden.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Royal Decree

On behalf of King Joffrey of the Houses Baratheon and Lannister, the First of His Name, King of the Iron Throne, King of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Realm,

Be it known that any person using the “screen name”* “Queen of Thorns,” other than the Lady Olenna Tyrell shall be subject to death. Any person currently using this appellation with or without symbols and/or numbers following, preceding, or interspersed in any part of it, is hereby ordered to cease and desist or be subject to the same punishment.

*Definition <http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=screen%20name>

Lord Tywin Lannister

Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock

* * *

QueenOfThorns: Thank you  
MemeticBadass: NP  
QueenOfThorns: _QueenOfThorns falls over in shock_  
QueenOfThorns: Did you just use chatspeak? What can be next? Emoticons? Will you be LOLing at my quips?  
MemeticBadass: No.  
QueenOfThorns: Still, I do believe that you just displayed some wit. I wonder if an actual jape will be next.  
MemeticBadass: No.  
QueenOfThorns: You’re not going to give in on Loras, are you?  
MemeticBadass: No. But you knew that at the end of our first interview, didn’t you?  
QueenOfThorns: Yes, I did.  
MemeticBadass: To paraphrase a worthy opponent, “It’s a rare enough thing a woman who lives up to her reputation.”  
QueenOfThorns: I don’t suppose you’re on Skype.  
MemeticBadass: No, why?  
QueenOfThorns: Because I would dearly love to know if you were smiling right now.  
MemeticBadass: You could come over here and find out for yourself.  
QueenOfThorns: OMW  
(QueenOfThorns has signed off)  
MemeticBadass: what does “OMW” mean? … oh  
(MemeticBadass has signed off)


End file.
